Dear Tony
by wholockcat
Summary: A letter for Tony from Steve.
1. Chapter 1

Dear Tony,

So, I haven't seen you in a while. I guess it's because our schedules almost never coincide, with my press conferences and your occasional meetings. I would say that's okay, and it's probably better for all of us, but I miss you.

I can't stop thinking about you either. I remember how you always hated me pulling you out of your lab, but you loved curling up with me in our bed. I guess it's your bed now. I remember how loud you would blast that music in our lab, but for our dates it would always be quiet and perfect. I remember how beautiful you look asleep, with your hair mussed and the only light coming from the arc reactor on your chest. You always look beautiful, but when you're asleep it's like all your cares just get thrown away.

I miss our banter. It started out as us constantly fighting, but turned into playful joking around. It sure took a while for me to understand your sense of humour, but now it's one of my favourite things about you. Even though you could be sarcastic and cutting sometimes, you always had a reason. Something that had reminded you of one of the many people you've lost, or of your capture.

I miss all of you, even your issues. Well, that's what you call them. I know you're not perfect, but I don't think you have any issues. Your childhood wasn't good, neither was mine. You had Afghanistan, I had a war. Either way, we've both gone through similar things. That arc reactor in your chest that you hate? I think it's the most beautiful thing in the world. I think you're the most beautiful thing in the world.

And I miss you.

Love,

Steve Rogers.

Steve pushed away from his desk, and snuck over to Tony's room. He knew this mission was going to be very dangerous, knew he might not come back from it. He wanted to leave a bit of himself for Tony, though, wanted Tony to know how much Steve loved him even though things had gone sideways between them. If Steve had one big regret before this mission, it was that he hadn't tried harder to fix things. That he had let their relationship go sideways in the first place.

"Jarvis?" asked Steve.

Jarvis replied with a slightly concerned tone in his voice. "Yes, master Steve?"

"Can you tell me if Tony's asleep?"

Surprisingly, Jarvis sounded more approving than anything else. "Yes, Sir has been asleep for the past 4 hours. With the amount of alcohol he has consumed, he should not wake for another 12 hours."

Steve grabbed the letter, and walked out of his room as quietly as he could. Since it was 3 a.m., he didn't think any of his fellow Avengers would be awake, but it never hurt to be careful. He walked quietly, almost tiptoeing, to Tony's room. The door slid open in front of him, and he looked up at where he thought one of the cameras was and nodded to Jarvis.

When Steve saw Tony, every feeling of love he had ever had came rushing back to him. He watched Tony for a second. Tony was fast asleep, shirtless, one leg off the bed, with an empty whiskey bottle clutched in his fist. He was beautiful, even as messy and sleep-deprived he looked. The pale blue glow of the arc reactor lit Steve's path as he quietly made his way over to the desk. He laid the letter down, and went back to the door. He stole one last look at the man he loved, then walked back to his room. In 2 hours he was leaving for the most dangerous mission of his life, and he never expected to see Tony again. Never expected to be able to tell Tony he loved him.

A/N: Hope you like! I'm in a very angsty mood, so sorry about that. I might add a sequel/fix-it if you guys want. Please review!


	2. Chapter 2

Tony slowly woke up, glaring at the light coming in through his window. Jarvis knew better than to try and tell him the weather when Tony was so hung over. Tony looked around his room, noticing all the smashed and empty bottles. They had been building up ever since his relationship with Steve ended, and he was still scared to be anywhere near Steve. Tony didn't want to see indifference where there used to be love. Staying in an alcohol-induced haze either in his room or in his workshop was much better.

Tony stumbled over to his desk, where he was sure there was both a few bottles of booze and some plans for suit upgrades. He started rummaging through the drawers, before he noticed the simple white piece of paper sitting on the top of the desk. Seeing his name, he pulled out his chair and started reading.

30 minutes after he was finished reading Steve's letter, Tony was still in shock. He wanted to see Steve, ask if he meant what he had written.

"Jarvis?"

"Yes, Sir?"

"Where's Steve?"

"I believe he is on a top-secret mission in Iraq at the moment."

"Please tell me you're shitting me. Who the hell sent him?!"

"I believe it was one Nick Fury, Sir."

Tony stormed out the door, forgetting that he was wearing week-old clothes and hadn't taken a shower for the same length of time. He ran through the tower, waiting impatiently through the short elevator ride, until he got down to the garage. He grabbed his fastest car and slammed on the gas, speeding through the city and weaving through traffic as fast as he could. He arrived at SHIELD headquarters only a few minutes after he left Stark Tower, screeching to a halt in front of the building.

He crashed through the front doors, ignoring the receptionist who looked about to stop him. He was Tony fucking Stark, he could go anywhere he wanted. Even though right now he wanted to see Steve, he knew yelling at Fury was going to have to work for now. He got into the elevator, and the look on his face scared all the agents out of it.

When Tony got to Fury's office, he slammed the door open so hard it bounced off the wall and left a chip in the drywall. He slammed his fists on Fury's desk, ignoring Hill's disapproving look, and started yelling.

"Where the HELL is Steve?! Why would you send him into a fucking war zone! He's practically a national treasure! He can't die!"

Fury looked at him calmly, and said, "Idiot. Don't you think I've gone through ever y possible scenario? Steve is the only one who has the slightest chance of getting out of this alive. You know as well as I do that he has a knack for getting out of impossible situations alive."

Tony looked up at Fury with a mix of despair and anger in his eyes. "He better get out of this one alive, or I will make sure you will never forget what you did to him."

He stalked out of SHIELD, glaring at anyone who so much as twitched towards him. He made it to the driver's seat of his car before tears completely obscured his vision. He thumped his head on the steering wheel, hating himself for anything bad he had ever said, or even thought, towards Steve. His Steve. The love of his life.

Thinking about life brought him to thinking about death. As he sped through the streets back to Stark Tower, Tony was thinking about what happens when the love of your life dies. Does a part of you, or most of you die with them?

Tony got to his workshop, grabbed another bottle of vodka, and started working on a new addition to the suit, ignoring his blurry vision. He also ignored it when he got teardrops on his blueprints. It had been a constant since the breakup.

Steve looked around, seeing all the blood, shrapnel, and dust. When Fury sent him here, Steve was told that this was going to be a very dangerous peacekeeping mission. However, from the start there was no peace whatsoever. He was launched onto a battlefield literally the second he got off the plane.

So far, Steve had managed to hold his own, with only minor scrapes and bruises. Considering he'd been fighting for 12 hours straight, he was beyond exhausted. However, the hostiles were still coming at the American troops. He had no idea how many men he'd injured or killed tonight, but he knew he couldn't stop. When the troops saw Captain America joining them, they all found some strength and kept on fighting. If Steve stopped now, the troops would lose hope.

In a rare calm moment, Steve looked up at the stars, wondering where Tony was, if he'd read the letter, if he even felt anything for Steve anymore. He realized a moment too late how distracted he was, when he felt a bullet going into his chest. He threw his shield in the direction he thought the bullet came from, then collapsed on the ground. Steve's last thought before he blacked out was of Tony.

A/N: Please don't hate me! The story took me and kind of ran away. Well, I hope you liked, despite the lack of an actual ending, and please review! I give cookies to reviewers. Just saying.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Tony got a phone call from SHIELD at about 3 am, the day after he stormed into Headquarters. His head felt like it was wrapped in very painful felt which made everything blurry. Tony wondered why he was awake, when he realized that Dummy was poking him very insistently. He swatted the robot away, and realized Jarvis was talking to him. He managed to focus his eyesight and hearing, and realized he had a phone call.

"Hello? Tony? Are you there?" Nick Fury's voice sounded throughout the room. Tony groaned in response, which Fury took as consent.

"Steve's been shot. We're bringing him home."

The words took a few minutes to sink in, and Tony rolled off his workbench, hitting his head on the floor.

"What? What did you say?" Tony asked frantically.

"Steve Rogers has been shot on his mission. His plane is leaving in 5 minutes, and should arrive in a few hours."

Tony ended the call and let his head fall back onto the floor. Fury's words echoed through his head. Steve was... Steve. He was the protector, the one who would always be around to take care of them. He was unbeatable. Hell, he punched Hitler in the face! He couldn't be shot. He just couldn't.

Tony picked up an empty bottle, and threw it at the wall of his workshop. It exploded, some of the glass nearly hitting him. He couldn't bring himself to care. If Steve was dying, why should he be worrying about a few pieces of broken glass? He put his head between his knees to try and fight off the impending nausea. His hangover was bad enough, without starting to throw up.

He saw Dummy starting to clean up the shattered glass, but he interrupted.

"Hey, Dummy, can you get me some aspirin? Actually, scratch that, get me the sleeping pills. You should know where they are."

Dummy reached up to the cabinet where Tony kept the pills in his workshop, and brought them to him.

Jarvis decided to intervene, asking, "Are you sure this is a good idea, sir?"

Tony heard Jarvis, but decided not to reply. He swallowed a few pills dry, wincing at the feeling, and laid down on the floor. He closed his eyes, and fell into the wonderful sleep that took him.

Steve could faintly hear screams, yells, the sounds of gunfire. He tried to open his eyes, but he couldn't. He felt an overwhelming pain in his upper chest, as well as another pain in his abdomen, before succumbing to the blackness again.

Tony heard someone yelling his name and shaking his shoulder.

"Tony? Wake up, dammit!"

He drifted back to consciousness, to see Pepper's face looming over him. Was something wrong? Was Steve- Then his memory filled in the blanks. Steve had been shot. Tony looked up at Pepper, a mix of hope and despair in his eyes.

"Steve?"

Pepper gestured at the door, and Tony followed her down to the garage, ignoring his rumpled, stained clothes. For once, he didn't care at all about his appearance. Steve was so much more important.

Pepper picked out a random car, and drove them to SHIELD Headquarters. They walked in, and no one went near them. Even the fearless receptionist didn't dare speak to them. Tony entered the elevator first, and Pepper sent them to Medical. Neither of them said a word. Tony was so worried, he was desperately hoping that Steve was alright, that he would survive. He was almost without hope, though.

As soon as they set foot on the Medical floor, a nurse showed them to Steve's room. Tony was so scared to go in. He had no idea what he would see. The nurse was talking, a meaningless pile of gibberish to Tony's ears. Usually, he'd be able to talk circles around the nurse, but he couldn't even think straight.

The nurse opened the door, and Tony looked in.

Pepper was really worried about Tony. She was very concerned about Steve too, she loved him and didn't want him to die, but Tony was always her top priority. He had always been the one who needed protection, the one most prone to crashing. The nurse was talking about the two bullet wounds Steve had gotten, and the surgery he would need. Pepper, watching Tony, realized he hadn't heard a single word.

When the nurse opened the door to Steve's room, the look on Tony's face was the most heartbreaking expression she had ever seen. Pepper looked at Steve, and for the first time, was really afraid that he wouldn't come out of this alive. He was hooked up to numerous machines, and he was lying on the bed seemingly lifeless.

When Tony saw his beautiful Steve, he ran over to the bed. He barely noticed the drab room, or Pepper staying in the doorway. He took Steve's hand, and noticed the IV attached to it. He covered Steve's cold hand with his own two warms ones, looking at the machines that were monitoring him.

Tony looked at Steve's face, which was devoid of expression, eyes closed, nothing moving. He leaned up, and ghosted a kiss over his lips, maybe hoping to get a response. Nothing. Tony grabbed a chair, pulled it over and settled in to wait. He would wait forever, if he could just have Steve at the end.

Steve was drifting in and out of consciousness. He heard the occasional thing, Pepper bringing Tony another coffee, Tony whispering another I love you. He could feel how slow his heartbeat was. He could feel the blood pumping through his veins. He could feel Tony's hand, never letting go. He drifted in and out of the black fog, never able to open his eyes.

It was one of the times that he was in the black fog that he was jerked out of it by a sharp pain. His whole body jerked, and he couldn't control it at all. He heard yells around him, as his heartbeat sped up irregularly, then stopped entirely. Steve heard Tony screaming his name.

Someone yelled "Clear!" Steve felt his heartbeat start up again, as he drifted back into the black fog.

Pepper looked at Tony, sleeping in a chair, holding onto Steve's hand, his head on the bed. It was lucky that the doctors had been able to stop Steve's heart failure from killing him. They had been almost finished with the surgery when one of the doctor's hands had slipped, causing a chain reaction that ended with a heart failure. Since then, Steve had been unconscious for 3 days. Tony had barely left his side. Pepper left the room again.

Steve felt Tony's head on the bed next to his side, Tony clutching his hand for dear life. For the first time in what felt like forever, he opened his eyes. He lifted his head a little bit, and looked at Tony. Steve gently nudged Tony, and he startled awake. Tony looked around, bewildered, for a second, before seeing Steve looking at him. Tony's eyes softened, and he looked like he had no idea what to say.

Steve said, in a rusty voice, "Hi."

A/N: Okay guys, hope you liked! Sorry for the length of time between updates, but this is an extra long chapter! There's going to be one or two more chapters, so please review! Thanks everyone for all your lovely reviews. Also, thanks to the people who kicked my butt into getting this chapter done.


	4. Chapter 4

Tony was waking up, alerted by Steve's thrashing around. He rubbed Steve's back, pressing kisses onto his face, until Steve settled back down, still asleep. Tony watched him, deep in thought. This was a pretty normal night for them now, Steve having a nightmare and Tony calming him down. Tony brushed his hand through Steve's hair, thinking of the reason Steve had the nightmares.

Both of them were so broken. So broken, yet they fit together. They might be a bit dysfunctional, but they fit. They used to be barely civil, now they were lovers.

They still had their screaming fights, where vases would be broken and both of them would break down crying by the end. Even the happy times had a shadow over them, the shadow of jealousy and passion and the desperate terror of losing the one you love.

They were together, though, and that was going to have to be enough.

That was enough.

A/N: Okay, thanks to everyone for reading and reviewing! If you want to give me some prompts, I'm much happier when I have something to write. Also, if you would like to check out my tumblr, my URL is wholockcat. Okay, that's it for the self-promoting, thanks again to everyone who read and reviewed!


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